April 27, 2006

A Reflection on Suffering and Hope

Most of today has been spent lying on the couch finding it difficult to focus on things and feeling slightly dizzy. This coupled with the pain and fatigue makes for a sucky day. It has been this way for about the past 12 days, though the dizziness and problem focusing are new. My few excursions outside the house have consisted of Meshuggah for coffee, a dear friend/community member’s birthday party, and four trips to Blockbuster. Of course, this is all following my house’s Fourth Annual Resurrection BBQ on the Saturday before Easter and my birthday party the Saturday before that. Yes, I know that I have been pushing it too hard. I try not to… but it is hard. I am an ADD extrovert who thrives on being around people. In fact, I get around people and I get so excited I become wound up like the five year old boy who desperately needs to take a nap. It hurts, I must confess, but I dismiss it by saying that “it is part of it” or “that the cost is worth it.” Usually these are true statements that I try not to hide behind. They simply acknowledge reality and my desire to function within and despite of it. It is part of life and I can not change it. I can make improvements. I can still participate. I am not an invalid and I am not a victim. I like my life and am thankful for it, even though I do not like the circumstance of my disease.

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